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Bet you didn't know there's a Paul Smith who is not me who is also a movie star. I'll be honest: neither did I, really. But I'm sure you'll recognize Paul L. Smith from such films as Red Sonja, and others. I did my usual round of Paul Smith research, and it turns out that Paul L. Smith is actually really mean. Seriously mean.

Who wouldn't be? Sure, he seems happy enjoying a cocktail as Rabban in David Lynch's Dune, but everybody knows that Baron Harkonen likes Sting better. And check out this scene where Paul L. get swindled by Maverick. I don't want to jump on the Mel Gibson hate-train, but jeeze, what an a-hole.

OK, that stuff's bad, but what was it exactly that turned nice normal Paul L. Smith into sadistic prison guard Paul L. Smith from Midnight Express? Could it have been Wonder Woman? I bullshit you not: he's the main bad guy in an episode of Wonder Woman, right? But the poor guy does not get his ass kicked by Wonder Woman (which might have made the whole thing worth it - why else be the main bad guy on Wonder Woman?), instead he gets thwarted by nerds at a sci-fi convention while Lynda Carter golden-lasso's his henchmen. How exactly is that fair? (BTW: fast-forward to 42:30 or so to see Paul L.'s WTF-face)

No, I think the origin of Paul L.'s meanness is this: rejected, lonely, swindled, socially awkward, and not as good-looking as Sting, Paul L. (as Bluto in Robert Altman's Popeye) lowers his sights and makes a pass at Shelley Duvall's Olive Oyl... and still gets rejected in favor of a squinty guy with a speech impediment.

Harsh.

Check out this revealing moment from the same film. "I'm so mean I had a dream of beating myself up / Broke my nose, broke my hand, I wrestled myself to the ground / and then I choked myself to death / I broke the choke, then woke up / ARRGH!"


That guy is mean.

Paul who?

Paul Lawrence Smith

Paul is a...

Hollywood actor

How to tell us apart:

• Paul L. is totally mean
• Paul L. no longer goes by Paul L. He and his wife, Eve, moved to Israel and now call themselves Adam and Aviva Eden. Since her name was already Eve, I have to assume that "Aviva" is somehow even more biblical.
• Paul L's action figure comes with a bazooka and a big knife, whereas my action figure comes with a coffee mug, nerd glasses and a laptop:
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Paul L. had a speaking part in David Lynch's Dune with Kyle Maclachlan, while my part as an extra in David Lynch's Blue Velvet (with Kyle Maclachlan) was edited out. I guess it's clear which Paul Smith David Lynch likes better. bitch.
• Did I mention that Paul L. is mean?